I write this in english, so then my husband can read it as well… I won’t write in a difficult grammar (because I can not !) so it’s do-able to read easily.
I’m writing this because I have an emotional breakdown a few days ago. I felt overly tired of managing the house and taking care of Daniel at the same time. It seems like an endless working.
Everyday, at the end of the day I manage it quite well. The house is clean, my cooking is delicious for our appetite, Daniel is happy and sleeping deeply (finally), but I don’t find myself in those activities. I’m missing somewhere. I don’t exist. I don’t own myself. I feel like a robot.
I do the same things everyday, I don’t have time to rest (or I don’t dare to find time to rest), tasks seems never ended…. From Daniel wake up until he wake up again, I never feel rested.
Since Thursday until today, Daniel is ill for the first time in his life and the first time in my life that my son is ill. He has his first runny nose… Today is better but Thursday until Friday was the worst.
Feeling overly tired emotionally and physically break me into pieces that night, Friday to be exact.
What part is wrong ? In which sense I make mistake ? Why I can’t own myself when I do all my household chores and take care of my son.
This weekend I happen to observe closely of my husband attitude. I never have chance to really notice how he seems content everytime. He has more things to do than I have.
When he come back from work in the evening, he always help me with the chores and with Daniel. Is he tired ? Overly tired like I am. Still he always help me in the middle of the night when Daniel can’t back to sleep.
We have same fatique, we are tired, we live under the same roof, we have our beautiful son but the result is different. He seems never loose temper.
This 2 days, I let him taking care of Daniel almost in every chores except doing breastfeeding (Daniel refuse to drink from the bottle or any kind of bottle that contain my breastmilk). He is doing (almost) the same thing like I do everyday… the result is the same but at the end of the day he doesn’t break down. He said that “I enjoy doing this because I only have 2 days to be fully at home and be with Daniel and you. I understand if you do this everyday, you will overly tired”
That’s not the case.
He does it everything in a slow move.
Believe it or not, in order to own yourself back, you have to slow down your move.
I always act, move faster than he does. I drink faster, I eat faster, I cook faster, I take shower faster…and sometime I feel upset that he can’t move faster than I do.
Actually that is his strength.
In every move he makes he knows exactly what to do and own himself while doing every tasks he has to do. I think he also can feel his breathing so well (which is good).
While what I do is I move like a hurricane. Chop this veggies, clean this table, play with Daniel, hoppp yep carry him now and breastfeeding… ohhh gezzz he doesn’t want to sleep, arrgghhh, he should sleep, I still have to iron, wash, this that, this that… then I fall into pieces.
While what he is doing… chop this veggies (about the cleaning…easy, I will do it later), feeding Daniel (messy, off course I can clean it…), iron (if I can’t do it, I will do it tomorrow…breath….), step outside and throw the garbage with Daniel… Smiling together… See… even when you read this, you can understand how different both of us.
I always get upset when he says “Rustig, schatje” ( It means..slow down, dear.. in Dutch). While now I’m thinking again, that is what exactly I need to own myself back.
My tasks are always the same everyday…why I bother to finish it fast, fast, until I can’t catch my last breath. My son knows when I get upset, he will start to be fussy.
In order to own myself back, I need to slow down.
It doesn’t mean that I will have an hour rest in the afternoon but to be able to feel my own breath is also kind of resting, isn’t it ?
Tomorrow is Monday. I will be alone again the whole day… So, we’ll see at the end of day I still feel myself or not…
I have a leap of faith that I can gain myself back and be a better mother for my son and a better wife for my husband.
Happy go Lucky.
Sekar Nareswari-Steenwelle ( a mother of Daniel, 8 months old baby).